Sunday, November 18, 2012


Can I say something that might sound crazy?

I know. Most of what I say can be skewed that way, but I don't really think I'm going there this time.

What I mean to say is that I was just thinking about something. And now, because I wasn't going for crazy, I am suddenly in a place where what I am wanting to say has reminded me of Hamlet, which seems somewhat off the beaten path and I promise I didn't mean to go there. But there's a wonderfully snarky scene wherein Polonius asks Hamlet what he is reading and Hamlet replies, "Words, words, words."

And if you asked me what I was thinking about right now I'd answer the same way Hamlet did. Only it wouldn't be snarky, because to be snarky I'd have to reply, "Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts."

Truth is I am thinking thoughts. Thoughts about words. Thoughts about the importance of words, and the weight of words. The consequences of words. Finding the right words. Recognizing the wrong. And knowing when to not use words at all.

I happen to love words. I've been told I am good with them. Not to say that I'm some great writer or speaker or something, I just mean that when someone needs words, I'm pretty good at coming up with the ones they need to hear. It's a blessing, really, I know that. But because I can find the right words for other people, I often find myself hoping that I've found the right ones for me. Though, I rarely feel that I have.

I have trouble convincing myself of things sometimes. I can find words for many a scenario and situation, but when I try to apply them to something that's really for me, that's really important, I lose faith. I don't trust myself.

Sometimes I feel like the story of my life is, "She wanted to say..."

And I hate that. Because there are times where you don't speak. There are times when your actions are so much more important and the best thing you can do is just to say nothing. But there are also times where your actions betray you and everything in your head is screaming the words that you feel are right. The words that go so against the things you're doing. The words that go against even the words that you let yourself say. And sometimes that hurts people. And most times that hurts you. Because you hurt for yourself and them. And why should someone else hurt because I couldn't get my head together? Because I couldn't find the right words for me? To say what I really felt. The words that could have helped us both.

And this is really hard to write for some reason. Maybe because it's really honest. Vague, but honest. Or maybe because I know that the feeling of wanting to say something and not doing it is so closely tied to the things that just may be regrets in my life.

I know that I don't really believe in regrets. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that everything happens in its time. I believe that God is in control and there is a plan and he works with the decisions I make and he loves me and is looking out for me. But I have this tendency to run things over and over and over again in my brain. And when I land in a situation that's not so good, I do that even more. I fixate. I replay every single moment, every single word, and I imagine every single possible scenario and try to see where I could have changed things. I second guess things that I know I can't change. And I blame myself in those moments - where I wonder if things could be different had I trusted myself with what I feel were the right words.

And I know that I'm responsible for my own actions and that at the end of the day everything is going to be alright and that worrying does nothing. I read that "Worry does not empty tomorrow of its troubles, it only drains today of its strength" and that couldn't be more right. It's just those sometimes moments. Those will get you.

This sounds terrible now. It's an awful mix of self-pity and delusion that I can't quite keep the optimism out of. Honestly, it's a mess. But in the morning, I'll wake up and I'll be okay. I'll probably be okay before I close my eyes and go to sleep. Maybe even as soon as I finish writing this post. The strange thing is, I don't think this is what I was going to write. In fact, I'm pretty sure it's not, because I started to write because I was thinking about a story that didn't even make it here. A story about last words, and my thoughts about them and how I've woven that into my life. I guess it actually would fit here, but I think I'll save it for another time.

Right now, I'm done. And I swear y'all are going to think I have some serious issues, but this particular outlet of writing knows no limits. I need it for all the emotions in my head. Things I write about aren't necessarily the things I deal with all the time or thoughts that are constantly weighing on my mind. It's just that I needed to clean out some of the corners of my brain. Because looking at it in words kind of makes me feel like I'm confronting something. And maybe this time, in this way, words are on my side for me.

And maybe "nonsensical" is truly the right descriptive.

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