That was today.
And I knew it was coming.
I knew last night when my sister asked if I wanted to go to church with her. I knew there was a reason I had to go. I knew that it was over.
God has been trying for so long to get my attention and I have been fighting him with everything I have. He'd been tugging at my heartstrings and I ignored him. I've insisted that I could navigate certain things in this life on my own.
I've been avoiding, running, pretending. Pretending to not know that I was walking down a shaky path. A path ventured without His most perfect guidance.
How could I pray and pretend to believe that I could hide what was really in my heart? My stubborn heart that He knows better than anyone.
and beyond cure.
Who can understand it?
and examine the mind,
to reward each person according to their conduct,
according to what their deeds deserve.”
Jeremiah 17: 9-10
I should know better than to believe that I can handle things without him. And I do. But I didn't want to be told "no." So I've been afraid to ask what He thought about something I wanted because I didn't really want to know what he thought about it.
It's so easy to turn to him for the daily things - to thank him for what he does in my life already.
But I've been saying, "Not this." You can come in and guide my life and help me, and I will love you but don't make me talk about this because I don't want to give it up.
And that's so wrong. And so foolish. And I am so bothered by my pride and stubbornness and my lack of faith. Because what kind of love have I really been showing Him if I have failed to trust in him?
Shouldn't I know that God only wants what is best for me? And if I'm meant to have something it will find it's way to me? And that if I don't get what I want it's because he has something so much better in store for me? Don't I know that as long as I follow his word and trust in him that everything will be okay? That it always has been.
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
This morning the minister was speaking to me. Right to my heart.
He talked about all that God is willing to give to us. All that he wants us to have. God is always continually giving. And he talked about exactly what I have been guilty of - of saying "Come in here, right into my heart, but leave this alone." Of not fully submitting to him. Of saying, "Don't mess with this." God is so willing to grant the desires of our hearts, but we must be willing to submit to his word. We must trust and believe in him.
but shows favor to the humble.”
1 "Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me."
15 "If you love me, keep my commands."
25 For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength. 1 Corinthians 1:25
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.
I know that I am not strong enough on my own to figure out this life. Lord, if this is not for me, let me know. Because you know better than I. Help me to trust in you.