Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Wishing for a Wishlist

I have a million draft posts. Maybe even a million and one.

Okay, maybe not that many, but there are a lot.

The number is probably closer to nine-hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine.

What happens is that I'll start writing and then stop.

There's always something that stops me.

I'll get distracted, I'll over-analyze, I'll get tired, I'll get over-emotional, I'll do something to decide that it's too deep, or too shallow, or too boring, or too personal, and sometimes, too honest.

I'm a GREAT avoider.

But that's not what this is about.

Scrolling through my drafts, I caught sight of a post that I had entitled, "My Wishlist For Me."

It's a post I started writing about all the things that I've been meaning/wanting to get for myself but I always manage to talk myself out of.

Not the most interesting thing in the world, I know. Maybe that's why I stopped.


Also not the point.

You see, the thing is, I had to click on the post to remember what was in there. But before I did that, I had this tiny fleeting hope about what it might be.

I was hoping that it was a list I had created about things that I wanted for myself as a person. And I was kind of disappointed when it wasn't.

Now, I know that I've never written anything like that, so why did I think that's what it was?

I'm thinking that maybe, somewhere in the corners of my mind, I wish I did have a wishlist.

I think it would make me feel more emotionally well-adjusted.

That's where my focus is these days. Juggling my heart and mind and emotions; what I know and what I think I know, what I want and what I need. Lots of up-in-the-air type stuff.

Every now and then I'll find this "definitive" place and I'll feel good and like I have it all figured out. I think I've come to a good place and get excited about a newfound clarity.

Then I waiver. I lose faith in myself. I change my mind.

So I think I kind of wish I really knew what I wanted. Or what I need. At least in the emotional head-space kind of way.

That kind of wishlist.

Because having a list to remind myself that I want to buy all the Sex and the City DVDs and a few pieces of jewelery probably isn't nearly as fulfilling.

(Of course, they couldn't hurt.)

Friday, June 7, 2013

Nobody likes you when you're 23, but what about 24??

Today, I am the big 2-4. It's not one of the traditional "big" age numbers. It's just fun to say "the big-- (whatever)."

Honestly, 23 was a bigger deal.

And that was probably only because Blink-182 had been telling me for over half my life that no one would like me at that age.

I'm inclined to believe (from experience) that they were wrong.

In a majority rules kind of way at least.

Now I don't know that I'm terribly introspective or reflective (Exception: late-night-low-blood-sugar-me), but I figured birthdays are probably a good time to be a little pensive. I mean, they're mainly to celebrate, but they're for reflection, too.

I'm saying that because I am older and wiser now. You'll understand when you're twenty-four.

Trust me.

So here it is, me being reflective.

In the year of me 23...

I met someone great.
I really connected with and had a lot of fun with said someone.
I pushed said great someone away.
I punished myself probably too much over it.
I realized that I'm not sure it's over.
I came to understand that I'm not fully over it.
I decided I'm not sure if I want to be.
I opened up about my feelings.
I learned that I still struggle in dealing with loss and sharing my burdens.
I was reminded of how smart my friends are, and how good they are for me.
I landed in a better place.

I started exploring a possible career avenue.
I was hired for a new job.
I learned that I am more capable than I realized.
I advanced my position (and pay!) in said new job in less than six months.
I discovered that I can be tough, and have strength in ways I didn't know.
I realized that bullying is very much a hot button issue with me.
I found peace in a temporary place.

I married off a childhood friend.
I moved another friend and her hubby into their new home.
I got a chance to celebrate the news of a dear friend's pregnancy.
I expanded a friendship base and began to feel closer to people I hardly know.
I watched friends grow in their relationships.
I celebrated the wonderful people my friends are.
I realized that my friends have been busy bees.
I delighted in the happiness and success of those I love.

I congratulated my parents on 28 years of marriage.
I celebrated 50 years of marriage for my maternal grandparents.
I prepared for the wedding of my closest cousin.
I decided that I'd like our family to keep my little sister's boyfriend.
I developed a better relationship with my little sister.
I grew my love for my family more than I thought was possible.

I had a wonderful laptop gifted to me by my wonderful practically brother-in-law.
I experienced the loss of ipod number 2 that I have yet to replace.
I continued to hold onto my uneducated phone.
I expanded my movie base and watched some great movies.
I became addicted to a few new television shows.
I identified myself as a Whovian.

I started paying a little more attention to my health.
I found out that I am better at running than I thought.
I decided that I am still not a runner.
I stuck by my assertion that I never will be.
I stopped feeling intimidated by the weight room.
I became more confident in a gym setting.

I was sucked a little more into social media.
I started this blog and expressed myself.
I became something of a twitter fiend.
I occasionally used my Google+.
I was nudged into a love affair with Pinterest.
I realized that I have something of an addicting personality.

I experienced an empathy overload.
I was shocked by Aurora.
I prayed for Newtown.
I stayed up all night with Boston.
I cried for West.
I hurt for family friends who lost a young life.

I came to better terms with hurt I've been holding onto.
I worked to attain just a little more balance in my life.
I read the signs.
I dealt with some irrationalities.
I confronted some ghosts.
I struggled with belief in myself.
I found peace through the love of a faithful God.

I lived.
I laughed.
I loved.
I lost.
I learned.

And I loved some more.

So that's it. Life, love (a term used loosely and terrifyingly in some instances), family, friends, work, health, and various miscellany. I think we're good.

Of course, I have this nagging feeling like I'm forgetting something...

I don't really know if that list proves that I'm older and wiser, but it's what I have.

And I'm not sure what 24 has in store for me. My horoscope seems to have an idea, but that's pretty much never right.

I think I'm just going to take it day by day. Actually, I don't really have any other options.

And I'm okay with that.

So happy birthday to me! Here's hoping for an even better highlight reel in a year's time!