Wishing for a Wishlist

I have a million draft posts. Maybe even a million and one.

Okay, maybe not that many, but there are a lot.

The number is probably closer to nine-hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine.

What happens is that I'll start writing and then stop.

There's always something that stops me.

I'll get distracted, I'll over-analyze, I'll get tired, I'll get over-emotional, I'll do something to decide that it's too deep, or too shallow, or too boring, or too personal, and sometimes, too honest.

I'm a GREAT avoider.

But that's not what this is about.

Scrolling through my drafts, I caught sight of a post that I had entitled, "My Wishlist For Me."

It's a post I started writing about all the things that I've been meaning/wanting to get for myself but I always manage to talk myself out of.

Not the most interesting thing in the world, I know. Maybe that's why I stopped.

Whatever.

Also not the point.

You see, the thing is, I had to click on the post to remember what was in there. But before I did that, I had this tiny fleeting hope about what it might be.

I was hoping that it was a list I had created about things that I wanted for myself as a person. And I was kind of disappointed when it wasn't.

Now, I know that I've never written anything like that, so why did I think that's what it was?

I'm thinking that maybe, somewhere in the corners of my mind, I wish I did have a wishlist.

I think it would make me feel more emotionally well-adjusted.

That's where my focus is these days. Juggling my heart and mind and emotions; what I know and what I think I know, what I want and what I need. Lots of up-in-the-air type stuff.

Every now and then I'll find this "definitive" place and I'll feel good and like I have it all figured out. I think I've come to a good place and get excited about a newfound clarity.

Then I waiver. I lose faith in myself. I change my mind.

So I think I kind of wish I really knew what I wanted. Or what I need. At least in the emotional head-space kind of way.

That kind of wishlist.

Because having a list to remind myself that I want to buy all the Sex and the City DVDs and a few pieces of jewelery probably isn't nearly as fulfilling.

(Of course, they couldn't hurt.)