Saturday, November 17, 2012

Some Thoughts I Thought

Okay. It's been awhile. I haven't written. I'm a bad person. I don't deserve your love, people have suffered, and the children, for god's sake, what about the children?! Blah, blah, blah.

I know. I promise. I know. But I am going to make it up to you. Or at least offer up a reconciliatory post that may or may not appease you. But seriously, if I'm gonna make an attempt then you can at least meet me halfway. Put aside your annoyance with me, chant some new age mantra that makes you feel better, and be prepared to enter my mind.

This is the part where if this was an old timey cartoon from the time of awesome cartoons before people started ruining cartoons the screen would flash some weird black and white swirly hypnosis thing in the background while the image of my head growing slightly larger and then smaller to make it appear as if it was moving towards and away from you at the same time would be there. And my eyes would be glowing and "be prepared to enter my mind" would be said in an ominous, kinda wavy voice, like the way someone would say, "OoooOoooh" if they were trying to be scary. Used to be scary. Nowadays it's usually more sarcastic.

Got that image? Okay, let's try it again then, for funsies! Imagine all those things. See the swirls? My head right in the middle of the screen? Glowing eyes? Okay, now:

"Be prepared to enter my mind!"

Awesome! Am I right??! 

You know, if you wanted to, you could even try something like, "BE PREPARED! To enter...MY MIND!!" And "mind" would be the most wavy sounding word of them all.

Of course, feel free to use any other variation that gives you ze goose pimples! Maybe even throw in some creepy finger motions. Like horizontal spirit fingers, but slower, and creepier, and not stupid. 

Yay! We're having fun!

Well, then. Now that we're all happy and excited and hopefully prepared to enter my mind, (Yes, there was a takeaway in there. It's like I just made learning fun, y'all.) here goes:

I learn random things all the time. And then I fixate. And my brain goes off on little tiny tangents. Here are a few of the things I heard, their tangents, and then the subsequent tangents of those tangents. Yay!  

New Knowledge: The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache on a standard playing card.

This is probably because he is the king of hearts and realizes that not a lot of women like mustachioed men. I'd say that I'll never date a man with a mustache, but when you say those kinds of things they usually end up happening. Like there was a town my mother said she would never live in and then BOOM, one day, we totally lived there. It's risky to say things, folks. Even to think them sometimes. But not like the way Big Brother in 1984 would make it risky because you have to worry about the Thought Police. No, just risky in the way that you feel it's risky because you are more than just "a little stitious" like Steve Carell as Michael Scott, but are almost full-blown crazy superstitious at times like me and if you don't knock on wood things are about to get really bad. Bt-dubs, I'm totally knocking on wood right now.

Also, thinking about 1984 made me think of this commercial that I think is awesome even though I'm not even really a big fan of macs. I'm sure it's somehow relevant.

New Knowledge: The average human body contains enough fat to produce 7 bars of soap. 

Is there some serial killer out there making people soap?? It'd have to be some crazy lady peddling her people soap at local craft fairs. And everyone would think she was so sweet and nice and precious and just your typical middle aged soccer mom with a squeaky clean past except for the killing people to make soap! Which is morally wrong on multiple levels because it's murderous and also kind of greedy because she's turning a profit. And she'd have scents called things like, "Russell" and "Jane". And everyone would ask about why they were named that and then believe her when she explains that Russel is a dear friend who smells like mint and Jane has always liked lavender when that's NOT the case AT ALL. She just made Russel and Jane soap smell like that and I don't care how cute they look in shades of light green and purple tied together with bits of twine, because it's just not right! And this is why I'll NEVER buy soap at a craft fair. Especially if they have sketchy people names. I'm onto you lady, and I'm calling the cops. 

New Knowledge: Humans are more likely to believe a statement if it rhymes.

"If it doesn't fit, you must acquit." I have been enlightened. I suddenly understand the O.J. Simpson trial. And I'm also kind of wondering how often this type of thing has worked. How many other crazy things have happened because the human ear is susceptible to pleasant sounding rhyme patterns? And more importantly, can I use it to my advantage? For instance, "You should give me your money, because bees make honey." Is it working? Because I will totally set up a paypal account right now and we can do this! Or maybe, "You know you love me, because the sky's above me." Are you having unusually strong feelings for me even though we've never met? Do you have an urge to be my best friend and buy a breakable heart-shaped "BE FRI - ST ENDS" necklace so that we can each wear half? This is a feeling possible without rhyming, though, so I don't know if I can really depend on that one. And I don't know if there really needs to be a fact in the statement. I need more guidelines. Except that if I went to anyone for guidelines it would probably be someone who typically exploits the rhyming rule and they wouldn't want me to use it because they've become all selfish and absorbed with the power of the rhyming enough to want to keep it all to themselves and they'd tell me something like, "The rhymes don't work, and you're a jerk" which is both hurtful because if it does work I'd believe them but it also might answer my question because the second half is certainly not a fact but now I know that it does/doesn't work and you know what else? Infinite loop. Stuck in it. Thanks a lot.

New Knowledge: The chances of dying by laughter are 15 billion to 1.

Takeaway? It's still possible. And I think it would actually be a kind of nice way to go. I mean, people tend to be sad about death. That's totally natural. And usually people can find a way to buck up after awhile, but it's not easy and it's rarely immediate. But when someone asks, "How did it happen?" and you say, "She/He died laughing" you can't tell me that wouldn't surprise just about anybody! It's so ridiculous that you kind of have to stop and appreciate the comedic wonder of it. And maybe you'd even think, "Yeah, So-and-So would be the one to go laughing. She/He would definitely do that." And then maybe people would smile. Which, if you're the kind of person who died laughing, would actually make you happy. And you'd be in heaven glad that you could give your loved ones that comfort. Plus, you'd still be kind of super pumped about the inevitable conversation that you get to strike up with people you know and meet in heaven:

"So, how'd you get here?" 
- "Laughing."
"I'm sorry, what?"
- "Oh, I died laughing. Yeah, 15 billion to one and you're looking at the person that beat the odds."

Kind of awesome. And the person or thing that made you laugh would become super famous. It'd go down in history books. And a whole bunch of people would seek out the cause because they are brave or maybe really foolish and would listen or watch so that they could have bragging rights. "Yeah, I heard/saw him/her/it. And I'm still kicking." But there would probably have to be some kind of warning that comes with listening to/watching whatever it was: "Witness at your own risk. May cause death by laughter." It would add a whole new definition to "That comedian kills 'em!" if it were a person. Though, I wonder if they'd be tried for murder? Involuntary manslaughter, most likely. That would be one for the ages. 

Of course, if your own thought made you laugh, is that suicide? Unintentional suicide. I'm pretty sure suicide by laughter is lacking mens rea. Maybe that's one the world will never know.

New Knowledge: 27 Million years ago penguins were five feet tall. 

Did that make them more loveable? Because penguins are already pretty gosh darn awesome! (Pardon my language) I mean, when I was a kid, I thought that those my-size Barbies were pretty cool. Now imagine a my-size penguin! Only it's better than a my-size Barbie because it's actually real and you could give it a full-on hug and it would hug you back and do adorable penguin things and okay, I've answered my own question - the height increase totally makes them more loveable! 

Unless they were rogue penguins. Like maybe penguins that had some really horribly traumatic thing happen to them when they were little. And then they start to bully other penguins and then those penguins got scared and that will lead them to the dark side because fear leads to anger and anger leads to hate and hate leads to suffering and did you penguins learn nothing from Star Wars??! And then there was a penguin apocalpyse and they all fought each other but the smallest and smartest and maybe bravest of the penguins refused to fight, and they fled to start a new life on their own. A brave new world. And that's how we have modern day penguins and why they are so loveable. Because they are descendents of penguin pacifists. But if I had a time machine I would totally still go back to meet the 5-foot tall penguins. Because maybe I could get there in time to help those penguins with troubled pasts, because at 5 foot 3 and a half, I could give them awesome hugs. And then penguin war would never start. And we'd have wonderful 5-foot tall penguins that everyone could love and hug and invite over to your house to play "Don't Break the Ice" because you've really always kind of wondered if penguins are good at that game.

But really that's just a dream because I know better than to use a time machine because it would mean risking messing up the space-time continuum. But a girl can dream. A girl can dream about loveable, huggable, 5-foot penguins all she wants.

The end.

Well, not the end of the post. I just didn't wanted to somehow distinguish that we were not leaving the main part of the tour and heading for the wrap-up.

Those were some thoughts. Long post, maybe? But this is the kind of post you can stop and come back to. The bolded words separate thoughts. Maybe I should go back and leave a note about this up top, but I'm probably not going to. Because sometimes we learn best from experience.

There's a lesson in that. You are now a wiser person, and you're welcome.

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