Tuesday, November 20, 2012


Last night I went to sleep super early. Really early. As in, my body woke up several times in small increments starting at about midnight that went on for a long time until I finally gave in and got up at 5:30.

And somewhere in those groggy, semi-conscious states of indecision about waking up, something interesting came through. I think it was clarity.

There's a quote from Peter Pan that I happen to really love. It's: "You know that place between asleep and awake, the place you can still remember dreaming? That's where I will always love you, Peter, that's where I will be waiting."

I like it because it's kind of sweet. It's sad, but sweet. There's a place where whatever you want to feel is safe. Where even if you're not supposed to feel something, you still can. Because it's between dreams and reality. And having that feeling of love is reality, but it stays a dream because maybe you're not supposed to feel that way in real life but you can in a dream. I don't know if that really makes sense, but it kind of does in my head.

Of course, that's not what I'm even really thinking about. I was thinking about that reality-dream place. I'm inclined to believe that there are a lot more feelings and ideas that exist in there. It's more than a safe haven for feelings that can't live in reality. It's a place where true thought can exist. There's enough of the dream feeling to let you believe that anything is possible and enough reality to grasp whatever you're needing to deal with but not enough allow you to tell yourself "no."

I was in that place this morning. And it was wonderful. I don't think I fully understand what exactly it was that gave me this feeling of clarity. I can't remember. But there was a moment where I felt at peace.

I've been looking for that peace for a long time now. And every time I thought I found it, something else came in and knocked me off my feet. The hits just kept coming. They were real hits, but I know a lot of what kept me on the ground was me. My irrational, one-dimension, self-doubting, easily influenced brain kept getting in the way of the peace that was so within my reach.

I'm actually a little afraid and yet inclined to believe that it was a test of faith that I was failing miserably at. And God kept giving me hints and I just wouldn't take them. It's like those questions you find on exams sometimes that your professor is trying to help you with. The ones that are dead giveaways. The ones that have the same answer next to every single option on your multiple choice test. And I just kept staring at my paper saying, "Nope. No way. It's way too easy. It's gotta be a trick somehow." even though God would never do that to me.

I wasn't letting myself trust him because I had convinced myself that I was fighting my own thoughts. And the truth is that I was fighting his reassurance and listening to my own irrationality. And that's just plain stupid. Because we know who has the upper hand in these kinds of things.

I knew the answers. They kept coming through, and in so many ways. I thought about some of what I wrote in my last post. The part about knowing that God is looking out for me. Maybe my half-awake dream state was channeling that to teach me something.

I think I learn about myself when I write. The words just shoot out of my fingers from my head and all of a sudden I am terribly aware of something I'm feeling. Sometimes I read over a post and think, "I was feeling that? I really feel that way about myself? I actually think that?" Honestly, a lot of the time I feel like blogging is an experiment in free-association writing that I didn't even know I was taking part in. And now, I just may finally believe these things that I write. That I'm okay or at least will be. That I have true support, and the best kind at that.

I found clarity. I found peace. Now I just need to hold onto it. I know who I'm fighting now. I know that I have been my own worst enemy in this one particular situation. I'm calling for a cease-fire. We're down to negotiations. And we're gonna sign a treaty. And when I get tempted to go back on the terms, I'm going to come back here. And remind myself to keep the faith. Because

- Everything happens for a reason.
- If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.
- Everything in his timing.
- There is something amazing in store for me.

Now, just believe.

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