Of course, if we're laying all our cards on the table and being honest, the type of party I'm really good at throwing is a pity party. And the ability to throw a good pity party doesn't quite fit under that umbrella of desire.
I was just sitting here watching the Golden Globes when I recognized that an emotion I hate and very much dislike admitting to had reared its ugly head. It was sitting right next to me poking and prodding to try and get my attention. I hated it. Cue the music. Get out the streamers and the balloons. It's about to go down.
I think that it's okay to be sad about some things sometimes, but I always manage to connect those allowable things to other things that I am not letting myself be sad about. This is what makes me such a great pity party planner. I can feel all kinds of bad feelings at once. I don't forget to book every conceivable emotion as entertainment and all painful memories are welcome.
There are some things I've promised myself I would not cry over anymore. So in remembering those promises, I began scolding myself and trying to get my emotions in check. And I think I did. I'm pretty sure I shut that party down and I'm good now.
These parties are few and far between, but I don't enjoy throwing them when I do. I guess my one saving grace is also my flaw when it comes to throwing pity parties: I'm terrible with the invitations.
I don't ever really invite people to share in my misery. Not when it's something I know better than to be delving into. And because I consider pity parties to be shallow and unnecessary, this is even more true. There is a difference between true grief and suffering and a pity party. I'll occasionally let people share in my grief, but I will not bog them down with pettiness.
I've been avoiding some things for the sake of my sanity. I considered whether or not this was going against my resolution to be brave. I thought I should be able to just take everything back and face everything all at once and be done with it, but I realized that it's not that easy. As long as it happens, it's fine. I don't have to have myself together overnight.
I'm ready for memories to just be good. I'm ready to just look at some things and smile. I'm ready to listen to songs I love and watch movies I enjoy without feeling a wave of negative emotion. But I'm not going to be discouraged and I'm not going to worry about it if it doesn't happen right away. Poco a poco. Little by little and day by day.
Hopefully sometime soon I'll no longer feel the occasional need to throw pity parties and learn to only partake in Amy Adams/Miss Piggy-Muppet-Movie-empowered-woman type parties if I feel oh so inclined to throw a one-woman emotional celebration. Those are so much better than the alternative.