Sight

Have you ever looked at someone and realized in that small moment that they are more attractive than you had previously noticed? I mean, looked and really saw their beauty without even trying? I wonder if this is how people in love see each other all the time. At their loveliest. Sometimes I look in the mirror and feel that I am pretty, and other times I look at myself and feel as if I couldn't be a more plain collection of features on a lackluster canvas. I wonder if this means I do not always love myself.

It's hard to look in the mirror sometimes and see what you're looking at or look past what you're seeing.

.....

He once told me that my train of thought was what made me weird.

He was right. I took it as a compliment. He meant it as one.

New Year's Resolution

I think I've decided on what my New Year's resolution is going to be.

It's something I've been toying with, and have even expressed on here but have been kind of afraid to really go for.

I think it's a good resolution because it scares me to want it.

It's not exactly tangible, and at the end of it all I'm the only one who can judge whether I've done it.

But I want to be braver.

And I think I'm ready to do it.

I want to be everything that being brave means.

I want to be more honest with myself.

I want to trust just a little bit more.

I want to be willing to ask for help when I need it.

I want to admit when things aren't so great and not worry about the emotional repercussions of doing so.

I want to be braver in my life for me.

At the end of 2011, I cried. Midnight hit, it was 2012, and I cried. I cried tears of relief. I was relieved that it was over. A year that should have been so many good things ended up being the worst I had ever experienced. There were good things, but so much bad happened. It hurt. I have never hurt as much as I did that year.

I don't want that again. And even though a lot of what knocked me down that year was beyond my control, I think that if I were only be a little braver, a little better, I could have made things better.

I don't know what 2012 has been for me. I feel like it was a lot of lingering and indecision. There were a lot of up in the air moments. I was drifting; just kind of floating through space for some things and mindlessly hurdling through others. Maybe it was something of my inability to let go of the year before. I don't know why I would, because it was terrible, but I just know I wasn't living in my own time. I felt very much at a standstill emotionally. I was living for the next good thing. The next moment that wasn't mine, but that I could cling to. Except for the small happiness I had that I ruined. I hate that a highlight turned into a jumbled mess of hurt and confusion when I never wanted that at all. I want to be brave about that, too. I wasn't brave about that and now I have to be brave after it because I wasn't brave in it.

I know there was good. I have been happy. I always have cause to smile and I know it and I am blessed for it. But I want to be braver. I think that means being able to cling harder to the good and loosen my grasp on the bad. I think being braver will mean facing the bad sooner so I can learn what I need from the bad sooner. Then I can hold onto the good things better.

It sounds selfish to me to want this for me. But aren't New Year's resolutions supposed to be about bettering yourself? I'm already so good at people. Probably better than I should be. I think you're supposed to be a really well adjusted person to be able to help other people. Not that I'm not well-adjusted, it's just that I have more trouble with myself sometimes than I think I should to be able to help people as much as I think I do.

Is it selfish to want to be brave? Because I think I have to be selfish to be brave. I don't think it means that I have to focus so much on myself that I can't be what I need to be for other people. It can't mean that because I need that. I very much need to be what I need to be for other people to make me who I am. I guess I just mean selfish in the sense that I have to think about me. And maybe it takes some strength because I have to be willing to think about me and work on me.

I think I have to be braver this year. My cowardice has done nothing for me. I can't afford to not be braver. I'd throw myself in front of a moving train to save somebody. I wouldn't think twice if it was someone I loved. But what's it going to take for me to save myself in that way? I need to be brave enough to save myself from the metaphorical trains of my life.

I want to be braver. I need to be braver. I'm going to be braver.

A little explanation, a whole lotta love

So, um, about yesterday.

I guess I was a bit, well, excited.

I realize that the way I was expressing my emotions was a bit different than how I tend to express emotion on here and that probably took y'all a little by surprise. But the thing is...

I'M JUST SO HAPPY!!!

Okay, inside voice.

The thing is, one of my best friends in the entire world just found out that she is pregnant!

She's been wanting this and waiting for this and she deserves this and now it's happening!

And now I'm caught up in all the wonderful things that a baby means - for her and her husband and their families and just in general.

This is truly love multiplied. This will be happiness added onto a marriage that is already full of love. What a lucky little poppy seed.

This baby will have some really awesome parents! For so many reasons. Alongside all of the love and protection and security, there's gonna be so much fun! In between the creativity and talent of his or her parents, this child will have some really cute and awesome traditions and activities, and also a collection of really great pictures! Can I just say, "creative photographer daddy and artsy jack-of-all-trades mommy"? Yeah, it's gonna be good.

There's gonna be a little Long baby (Long being the last name) born into a wonderful family. The parents will undoubtedly pass the best of their traits onto this tiny little life, with just enough personality hiccups to keep things interesting. This baby will be strong and determined. He or she will be passionate and willing to fight for what he or she cares about and believes in, but also laid back enough to know how to pick their battles and let the little things roll off their shoulders. They will be artistic and creative and tech savvy. They will have a strong sense of family. They will be a little spoiled, but never bratty, and they will work for what they want. They will be a good problem solver, and know how to take charge when necessary. They will be active and happy and athletic and funny and bunches of other great things that I can't even fathom right now.

In between the two sets of grandparents, and a bunch of aunts and uncles (by birth and blessed grand design of friendship) this baby will have an extended family that is large, quick-witted, incredibly punny, caring, big-hearted, dependable, super involved and just a little bit crazy. And there will be more love than this baby will ever need. This child will never want for love.

There are going to be little bitty pieces of clothing, and a lingering smell of baby powder and baby lotion. There will be experiments with baby food and snacks, and debates and discussion about which new mommy trends to get on board with. There will be baby's first Halloween and Christmas and the first Mother's and Father's day. There will be bedtime stories and lullabies and prayers and laughter and smiles.

Don't get me wrong. I know that having a baby isn't all fun and games. This will be lessons and learning and growth for all involved. It'll be hard work and tough decisions for the mom and dad. There will be a lot of late and sleepless nights. There will be moments of worry and indecision, and there are going to be surprises that may not always be good.

But there's also this incredible love that is going to come with it to make those hard times so much easier. Any rough moments will be worth it in the end. There is going to be so much support. Support for the parents and the child. There are going to be so many prayers and people willing to do whatever it takes to make sure that this beautiful baby on the way will always be taken care of.

I'm excited for this addition to the lives of people I consider a part of my extended family. I'm excited to be the Mexican "aunt" by blessed grand design to this little Long baby. I'm excited for the journey that my dear friend and her husband are embarking on, and I want to be there to do whatever I can. I love these wonderful people who God is blessing with a baby, and I already love this kid like crazy. How could I not?

I WANT TO WRITE IN ALL CAPS AND USE !!!!!!'S A WHOLE BUNCH!!!

This is the only outlet I have where I can express happiness for something AMAZING that is happening! I REALLY want to give details, but I can't. And I'm afraid to even be cryptic on other forums because people could put stuff together. I don't know how, but they could. Paranoid Parrot moment. Seriously, I can't even bring myself to use CAPS or !!!'s on twitter or facebook. But let me just say that MY HEART IS ABOUT TO BURST!! I heard some AWESOME, HEART-WARMING, FUZZIES-SHOOTING-THROUGH-MY-ENTIRE-BODY news from someone I love very much!!!

You should be proud that I have so much faith and trust in you, imaginary blog readers!!!

I'M BOUNCING OFF THE WALLS HAPPY!!! I'M WALKING ON SUNSHINE!! :)

Knowing when to stop

Have you ever met one of those people that goes just one step too far?

Think about it. You know who I'm talking about. A name or some sort of mental image probably just popped into your head. Maybe your brain even went back to a particularly embarrassing incident that you're still cleaning up or have been trying really hard to forget.

My apologies.

But you know who I mean. The people with the broken filters. It's that friend or family member or co-worker who lulls you into a false sense of security by contributing just the right amount of something special to the conversation and then metaphorically pulling the rug out from under your feet with some awful comment to ruin the moment.

Cue uncomfortable silence, nervous laughter, or a whole lot of cringing. If you're really lucky, the group gets to experience all three of those things, plus more. Really, there's a whole spectrum of possible outcomes.

Trust me, I know.

I have that friend who goes just one step too far with their inappropriate humor. I have that family member who is just a little too honest and blunt. And believe me, I've known that person who just does not seem to know when to stop.

These qualities may cause those of us around them to shake our heads and sigh, but there's typically no malice in this occurrence. While I do believe it's something that needs to be worked at and improved upon, it doesn't make those guilty of this faux pas bad people. Maybe it even makes those of us closest to them better people.

We become better buffers. We learn to spin a situation like the best and most experienced of politicians. Being with them is a lesson in preparedness and reaction time, because we know someone is going to have to jump in and find a way smooth things over. We embrace the graceful steps of the delicate dance of damage control. We become just a little more forgiving and let things roll off our shoulders with a tiny bit more ease because we know it does no use to take these moments to heart.

And we become really grateful people who count it among our blessings that we don't know the taste of crow quite so well.

But even though many of us do not count this embarrassing public quality among our personality hiccups, we actually kind of may in private.

Like me.

To a certain extent, I was made for diplomacy. I was blessed with a pretty good filter and a fair amount of grace and refinement, and I know people. I can feel out a situation and know what needs to be said or where a conversation needs to go (most of the time). Basically, it's pretty rare that I find my own foot in my mouth.

But then there are the things that I don't say. I know this is very 1984-"Big-Brother"-esque, but I'm often guilty of thought crime. It could be that my brain is wired weird or something, because my train of thought has a tendency to derail. And not just off the tracks derail, but crash-through-the-"bridge-out-ahead"-sign-and-over-the-cliff-derail. That could be a bit dramatic, but maybe not.

All I know, is that I can be in a perfectly good place and then take my thinking just one step too far.

I'll lie in bed at night and think about my blessings. I'll reflect on the good times and laughter and happiness of the day or even just my life in general and find myself at the perfect place to stop.

But then I pull the rug out from underneath myself.

I think about that one thing. That one thing that I just can't let go of. The one thing that is the thought that is one step too far. My own personal faux pas against myself.

And I cringe. And laugh nervously. And find myself in an uncomfortable silence that is usually only broken by sobs. Pathetic.

What makes me make myself sad when I have so much cause to be happy?

Why more and more lately do I find myself staying up late watching television or reading until I can't keep my eyes open just so I don't lie awake thinking?

I preach about the importance of being happy with what we have.

I reassure and reason and remind people that they are so much better off than others.

But I beat up on myself.

And it's not about everything or anything, but just that one thing. The one thing that I want but ruined. 

My thought filter is broken and the only person I'm hurting is myself. I'm the only person judging myself, and I'm the only person who can smooth things over. I'm the only person who can spin the situation, but I don't know how. I'm just not that graceful, and I don't know the steps to this damage control dance.

But I want to be better. I know that this needs to be worked at and improved upon.

I can't do anything to change my situation. I can only change my perspective and attitude, and I have been reminded of this. I know this. I know better. And I will keep reminding myself of this, because it is the only thing I can do. I can't keep hurting.

But, with help, I can learn to be prepared for dealing with those moments where I'm tempted to keep on going. I can try to step up and save me from myself. I can learn the dance, and I can be a little bit more forgiving and let it roll off my shoulders with a little bit more ease those times when I fail.

I don't fit into any normal shaped boxes

I planned to get on here and sort through some thoughts and express some emotions.

Nope.

I'm having one of those moments where my thoughts are too long for twitter and too hazy for blogging.

Instead I'm just gonna crawl into bed and judge people on tv until I fall asleep. 

Problem Solving

The first step to problem-solving is to identify the problem. I don't remember much about the scientific method, but I know that much is true.

So...um, check.

My problem: I only really know how to be brave for other people. I'm often a coward in my own life.

I'm not proud of this problem, but it's mine and I'm owning it. I recognized it a while ago, but now I'm really owning it.

And now that I've owned it, I should fix it.

Except that fixing it could lead to some pretty scary scenarios.

When you pray for something, when you really want something like this, God will take you seriously.

 Psalm 37:4 - "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart."

Matthew 7:7 - "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."

He will help you, but it's not always so easy. If you ask for patience, he'll often bring you trials so that you may strengthen your faith.

There's a chance that asking for courage means opening myself up to situations that will test my courage.

I want to be braver. I know I'm not a complete coward, but I feel like my courage comes and goes and I want to be better. But right now, I'm not even brave enough to pray for bravery.

Kind of ironic in a sad, sad way.