01-09-11

Today is the two year anniversary of the first time my heart ever really broke. And I want to be hopeful and I want to be patient and I want to be okay because I know I will see him again and I know that he is always with me, but I miss him. I miss the him that is tangible and physical. Who gave me hugs and told me he loved me every day after class. Who sang with me. Who quoted movies with me. Who sought me out in a crowd to say hello. Who loved me with a look.

And I know better, but I don't know better. I know better than to be sad because he would never want that for me, but I don't know how to not be sad. I don't know how to feel. Or maybe I think I know how I should feel I just don't know how to get there.

I am just so stuck.

I know there is a reason, and that alone should be a comfort. And I know that we loved each other and that is a comfort. But it still hurts.

That day started an avalanche of hurt. And I know there is so much more than that and I know that there was so much good, and that he would have gladly accepted that he was to sacrifice his life had he known it was coming - for the good. He would have for the good. But my heart just hurts.

And I will maybe go about the rest of the day feeling normal, but I don't really know what that is. Maybe some kind of normal that I am learning to carve out for myself for this day. Maybe the normal that I have lived with for the past two years.

This day will never stop coming. I wonder if I'll always just pretend to be well adjusted about it. Or maybe some day I will be. But I will never know for sure.

We open ourselves up to so much when we love. And I love that I had him to love, but I hate how much more it hurts to miss him because of how much I love him. Or loved him. But I still love him.

I know it was worth it. I know it is worth it. Somewhere deep down I know it's worth it. On days when I can think of him and smile and laugh, I know it is worth it. Love is so much stronger than the pain. On another day I will know that better. I will have more clarity.

But damn this memory of mine that still remembers all the hard and painful things. The phone call that broke me. The disbelief. That sick feeling of my heart dropping down into my stomach. The phone calls I had to make. The strength I had to find or pretend to have. Trying to deal with something I knew nothing about. Feeling confused. Being angry because the world didn't stop. When the world should have stopped and how dare it not stop?! Because there was no conceivable way for it to keep going. Being alone. Feeling more alone than ever.

This heart that allows me to love so deeply also feels absence so strongly.

I know he is in Heaven. I know he is not really gone. And I think about what Shelby promised me. That when he goes, he will find Taylor up in Heaven. And they will find a bench somewhere and sit and talk and when Taylor is ready to leave, he will tell him no, that they are waiting for me. And they will. And I'll be with him again, and I'll be with Shelby. And we will be happy and love each other and be the people we used to be when we were here together.

So I will wait for that, and I will try not to hurt but on days like today I can make no promises. On this day I can make no promises.

And I am so sorry because I promised to be more brave this year, and I know that this is a time when I should be brave and he would want me to be brave. I will try to focus on the love and the good and the happy memories and play the right songs and say the right things and be the right person. But I can make no promises. I really wish I could. You have no idea how much I wish I could.